I don't know what I want.

Philippians 4: 6-7

Have you ever had this experience: you have been longing for something, praying for it, counting on it for such a long time, and then it happens and you freak out completely, like it's a bad thing?  Yeah, me too, right now.


I have done a small amount of periodic whinging on this blog about my job, and how frustrating it is, and how tiring, and how blah, blah, blah, etc., and now that things at my job are changing, I am freaking out completely.

Ever since I found out that my manager is quitting, I have been having migraine symptoms.  This means about four days now of headaches, slight intermittent dizziness, eye twitches, and very minor vision issues.  It's been a real party.

But isn't this exactly the kind of huge, sweeping change I have been crying out for, for years now?  Of course, I've been so frustrated lately that I've gotten a little non-specific about what kind of change I would like, and I think that is what is stressing me out so much.

DH tried to draw a bead on my mood the other night, poor guy, asking all sorts of really good questions about what I thought was going to happen, what I wanted to happen, and what kind of new circumstances I would find pleasing/objectionable, and while I flailed about, speculating wildly, going all worst-case-scenario on myself, I realized: I don't know what I want.

And when I hit upon a best-case-scenario, one that I liked enough to dwell on, I talked myself right out of it, declaring it impossible to achieve and not worth it once I got it.  Do you think maybe I'm my own worst enemy?

I'm obviously fearing the unknown here, and still letting past hurts and failures at this job (with this manager) affect how I think about my future.  Because change is neither good nor bad, it is neutral.  It can go either way.  Whoever takes over our store could be really great, could see me for my strengths and invest in me, or they could be a raging lunatic, a real step down.  And I'm trying my best to be rational, sensitive and adult about this whole thing, but in the back of my mind I am crying out for the merely familiar.  Better the devil I know.  The angel I don't might expect something more from me.

So the major life change has come, and after I finish writing this I am going to start calling around for a hair appointment, but for now I must focus on what I know will always be true no matter whom I work for or how long my hair grows: God is in control.  He will decide how my job goes, and where my future lies (because I told Him He could) and He will definitely give me more than I can handle, so that I have to keep depending on Him.  Ultimately, what I want to want, what I pray to want, are just the things God already has planned for me.

All right, enough with the preachy crap.  I just hope that whatever comes next feels less like a punishment than what I have now.  Part of the reason I don't know what I want is that I fear wanting the wrong thing, and getting it, and being more miserable than before.  Better to not choose?  Never.  I have to stop making decisions, or non-decisions, based on fear.  Figure out what you want, pursue it, and end up where God wanted you anyway.  Piece of cake.