Monday, November 4, 2013

I'm alone at last.

Proverbs 16:3, Colossians 3:23, Mark 6:45-47

I can always tell the magnitude of something I'm about to do by how badly I freeze up right before I'm about to do it.  If there is any time to think about it before I get there, I will think myself right into a frozen stupor.  When I was applying for my life-changing summer semester at Middlebury, I sat on two acceptance notices from two different programs for two weeks.  I literally let the two envelopes sit on my desk for two weeks before opening them.  I went to Middlebury because I had not acted quickly enough to inform the other program that I wanted in.  More recently, I have spent weeks unable to write before big events in my life, like surgeries.

And I haven't written any posts in the past two weeks because I have been staring down a vacation.  Well, a working vacation.  I've taken myself off to a hotel to try to write.  There is a long, writerly tradition of getting away from it all to try to get the work done, and I would like to see if joining that tradition will benefit me and my work.  So I'm spending a few days alone away from home.

(I probably shouldn't even be telling you all this, I'm going to jinx myself, or be too ashamed to admit if it didn't work.  Privacy versus accountability.  That's a whole other post.)

So far I have checked into my hotel room, brought all my stuff inside, called DH, spent two hours farting around on the internet, and started writing this post.  Granted, this vacation has taken some prep work.  Since I'm not really leaving town, I cooked and brought all my food with me, and have made a couple of appointments to see people and do fun things.  (And, damnit, I just remembered I left the ice cream I bought for myself in the freezer at home!)

I feel better now that I have written something.  And I'm sorry if you've missed hearing from me or my blog.  I know that this week is going to be about more than writing, it will be about me, taking care of and motivating myself by myself.  Which is a huge challenge, a much bigger challenge than I would care to admit.  I've never lived alone.  I've only a couple of times been alone in a home I would usually share with someone else.  Granted, DH is a phone call and a half-mile away, but I can still hear every little sound in this tiny place, and the way I spend my time is entirely up to me.  You are who you are when no one is watching, or when you're starting to get sad and paranoid that someone is watching, even though you know they're not, just because the fridge knocks and the lamp buzzes and it's rainy outside and you forgot your ice cream.  (Damnit!)  

So, time to be a grown-up.  Get yourself up, do what you came here to do and make something to show for yourself.  Join the great tradition of writers who got away from the cares and distractions and let all the crazy right out onto the page.  Or, cuss, kick the fridge, write a blog post, and eat a peanut butter cup before dinner.  Thank God I didn't forget my candy!